Question:

I’m a nurse by profession and am also a member of the Than Hsiang Welfare Group. I’ve a patient who behaved differently. He was less demanding before becoming our welfare recipient. For example, if there should be any slight delay in administering his 4-hourly injections, he would throw tantrums. I’ve tried reasoning with him but my effort was in vain. If I were to give in to his demands, others would think that I am being partial. So, I tried distancing myself from him. As a result, his wife began to see me in a different light. She questioned my cold attitude towards the patient. I wonder if I have taken the correct move at keeping a distance from this particular patient?

Answer:

The patient knew you since he was admitted, and you being our volunteer now have caused him to be more dependent upon you. To him, you are not only a nurse but also one who gives him special assistance. Therefore, he would feel that you lack empathy whenever you try to reason with him. In such cases, the intervention of a third party would amplify matters. Your situation now is just like a mother and child relation. The interaction between a mother and child is based on emotion. The so-called ‘emotional link’ established between you and the patient hinders the process of logical reasoning. It’s not effective when you try to reason with him. Professional care givers and volunteers are often experiencing the same scenario. Psychologically, there is a suggestion that we should be a little “cold” – that we should be more professional in handling patients and residents of the home.
There is a valid reason for keeping a professional distance. Psychologists feel that there would be resultant complications if our PINs (Person In Need) grow to be dependent upon us. I believe this is also shared in the nursing training. Bear in mind that it is not the ultimate method, if you are certain that it can be done, you may even build better relationship whereby the PIN would benefit more from your assistance. But one has to be rather cautious and certain. Hence, mere theories would not help; we need to put them into practice. We need to be alert and be able to assess the situation well. Keeping distance at times may actually hinder us from rendering help and assistance.

Observer:

Just as Shifu said, we empathize with, and not take pity on our patients. Pity breeds emotions and is feeling-orientated. It could lead to confusion, whereas, empathy helps us to understand the pain of a patient undergo instead. If a patient’s physical illness could be stabilized, he would feel better emotionally and psychologically, too. Hence, we should consider a patient’s fundamental physical well – being, do our best to reduce his or her physical suffering.

Shifu:

We should be empathetic in our dealings. We need not shun inconvenience. We are to understand the sufferings of cancer victims in order to offer assistance. Empathy may be a psychological term, but it bears resemblance to our Buddhist teachings.

In a drug rehabilitation centre of our Buddhist circle, it is on the basis of empathy that the founding monk sought the assistance of a former addict. It’s not easy for one who has never been addicted to drugs to understand the pain of addiction. One who had successfully kicked the habit to counsel and lead another will be more effective. Being empathic, whatever he advises would be more plausible and convincing.

We should always bear this in mind: Fear not of shortcomings. Just as in the Chinese proverb that says, “Laying off Killing, A Buddha in the making”. His painful past is the best antidote for others.

On the other hand, even if we were to meet with a seemingly incorrigible bad-hat, there is no need to banish him as hopeless. There is always a possibility for reform, for each of us to be educated. Do adopt a positive attitude, offer an opportunity for growth, and give him a helping hand in his struggle for change. He may well be the catalyst and influx of new blood needed for our future social welfare endeavors.