I need to have more practice. I cannot deny that the past few months was a trying time for me and I suppose to say sorry for all those around me. However I did not register for this FO SAN on my own. Again I was entry-sick, motivated only to do so by my kalyana mitras who saw my need more than I. For this, I am lucky and grateful as I am indeed blessed in many ways. I have an extremely supportive and understanding family who are always there for me.

My better half lets me get away with “murder” at times; not that I have committed any. Well I suppose, come to think of it, those countless ants, mosquitoes and other household pests to begin with. It’s funny that we are not sensitive of taking life of such small ants until we take the precepts.

Last night there were two little ants playing on my bed, I watched them for some time and then took out my cardboard fan and let them climb on it and then I took the fan out and let the ants climb out of it onto the wall. Funny how I never gave a thought that how I too was like them until when I went back to sit down.

Like them I was given a chance to rethink and reflect these two days. I have to admit that I have not accomplish much from the chanting or sitting, I was just swept by the flow of the activities, going through them mechanically. I do not know why after the last session of chanting before the evening service that l felt light headed and my heart was bustling with joy. I can’t help nor control my smiling in fact I have this urge to laugh which luckily I didn’t or else the other participants would think I’m cuckoo or possessed. To say that the demon in me is tamed would be too much. I suppose, I actually want to collect enough water to put out the flames of anger in me during the Fosan. However I would be kidding my self if I believe or think that I could do that just in two days.

The ambers will always be there, so I have to live with it but hopefully I will be on the alert and dose it with the “water” gathered before it gets wild otherwise I would have forsaken all the sangha member, volunteers and my family who have made it possible for me to be here. Seeking help from other is good I suppose but no one can help us if we ourselves didn’t want to be helped.

Like a journey of a thousand miles that begins with one step, we have to take that first step and along the way somehow help will come along and make the journey easier. So the water I want to gather is actually with me all along. Having the tool is not enough but knowing how and when to use it is most important. Hopefully the peace I have now will not be exhausted until the next Fosan. Hopefully next year the motivation would be intrinsic.