I was in the temple talking to a friend when someone came up to us to let us know that the mother of Venerable Zhen Xin had just passed away this morning. It interrupted our conversation, and in an instant, many-many thoughts went through my mind. Venerable Zhen Xin is a devoted Buddhist Nun of this temple. She had organized many religious and welfare activities for this temple. I know, she is very close to her mother, as she used to mention her mother in our more casual conversations, I remembered asking her about how she became a nun. She mentioned that at first her mother did not agree to her being a nun. However, over a period of time she was fortunate that her mother finally consented to her being a nun. Suddenly there were a lot of questions about death in my mind. Something I do not usually think of normally. There are some things that we all do know, “death is certain, life is uncertain”, and always changing. Also people’s belief about death differs depending on their culture or religion.

Death happens to all living things, from a beautiful rose bush to aphids, ants, lizards, cats, dogs and people too. The life of a butterfly may last just a day, but when it dies, we find that this death is totally natural. The life of a coconut tree might last tens of years just like people, and its death is natural too. I remembered when I was young and living in a Malay village, an old lady told me and my friends that she is as old as a coconut tree which she proudly points out. Her father planted it on the day she was born. I also remembered that when she passed away, but the coconut tree lived on. The coconut tree was still alive when I moved out of the village a few years later. As hard and unfair as it may seem, everything that is alive right now will die someday. I also remembered younger, bigger and stronger coconut trees being struck by lightning. Irrespective whether it is unexpected or for a long time to come, happening like this when someone or something is young or old, death is part of what it means to live. I find that when I remind myself of life and death, death does not seem quite so scary.

My thoughts came back to the present as my friend inquired on who is collecting the “po jin”, or a form of bereavement contribution, and token of respect, to be given to the family of the deceased. It is a culture for us to make a contribution. I was not really paying attention to the conversations of my friends. My thoughts were somewhere else. “Death is not temporary. It is forever. If you have lost someone close to you, these basic facts might be very, very hard to accept, and it might take a long time for you to totally understand them. But the earlier you accept the truth, the sooner you can begin working through all of the difficult emotions that death brings. Understanding these facts, and accepting them, is important for all of us. But the earlier you accept the truth, the sooner you can begin working through all of the difficult emotions that death brings. So how can you get your brain to accept something that's so hard and so painful to believe? OK! I thought, firstly be honest with the facts, know what has happened and do not try to hide or change the truth. Don't think magically or hope for miracles. Stay involved as much as I can. When someone dies, there is a period when families must do many special and important things, from having relatives over to planning funerals. One may not always be at the center of these activities, but it can help a lot if one stay connected to them instead of shutting oneself off. The more one gets involved, the more one will understand the reality of what has happened, and the sooner one might be able to start dealing with it. Understanding that death is universal, permanent, is just the first step in dealing with the loss of someone you love. For some people, it happens quickly, while for others it may take a very long time. The grieving process has no schedules or time limits. Everybody is unique, so everybody grieves a little differently and for different periods of time. But parts of the grieving process are common to most of us: Do not allow it to lead to depression. The dictionary gives the meaning of grief very graphically. grief: noun 1. intense sorrow caused by loss of a loved one (especially by death) 2. something that causes great unhappiness

Everybody faces the situation differently, but there are some things you can count on that will, with time, help make it easier to go forward: Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Funerals and memorial services exist so we can say goodbye and pay tribute to the person who died, and this can be a very important step in the process of grieving. Transference of merits according to the teachings of the Buddha is a key concept of sharing one’s own merits and virtues with the deceased. Allow me to quote: “Some of us may ask whether the effect of evil karma can be changed by repeating the name of Kuan Yin (Avalokitesvara). This question is tied up with that of rebirth to Sukhavati, the Pure Land, and it may be answered by saying that the invocation of Kuan Yin’s name forms another cause which will right away offset the previous karma.” As an analogy, “We know for example, that if there is a dark, heavy cloud above, the chances are that it will rain. But we also know that if a strong wind should blow, the cloud will be carried away somewhere else and we will not feel the rain. Similarly, the addition of one big factor can alter the whole course of karma. It is only by accepting the idea of life as one whole that both Theravadins and the Mahayanist can advocate the practice of transference of merits to others. With the case of Kuan Yin then, by calling on Her name we identify ourselves with Her and as a result of the identifications, Her merits flows over to us. These merits, which are now ours, then counterbalance our bad karma and save us from calamity. The law of cause and effects still stands good. All that has happened is that a powerful and immensely good karma has overshadowed the weaker one.” (Lecture on Kuan Yin by Teoh Eng Soon, Penang Buddhist Association, 1966)

Nobody has all the answers, especially about death and dying. The truth is, after losing someone important to you, your life will never be exactly the same.